How I kinda slew my Balrog

It's been too long since I've posted. Way too long to just fire up a post without thrusting an explanation in your face, so here goes. Just as Gandalf took some quality "me" time after he spent his life force battling the Balrog of Moria (probably spent most of it washing his robes. Look how they turned from grey to white!), yours truly also took a time-out from life to wash his dirty linen (in private, of course). If you read my post on Trials and Errors, you'd notice that I was going to ask out a girl last year. Well, we had been really close friends for almost a year, and I was THE happiest person on the planet when we were finally together, and things were just swell. It all clicked together, as simple as solving a 2-body problem in Physics. 

Except, it really hadn't clicked into place. What I also didn't know, was that instead of a 2-body problem, it was a 3-body problem which, really, cannot be solved. A beautiful private dinner, a brunch with a friend, and an episode of Sherlock's "The Abominable Bride" later, it was all over. In 1.5 days. She was still dating someone else, and I didn't know my place in the "relationship" anymore.

Obviously, such things affect one's psyche. You can't be expected to take it on the chin every time you get punched. Sometimes, you get punched in the gut, and there's no chin in the gut last I checked. Things stopped making sense to me. The whole concept of a rational world with rational expectations was thrown out of the window, and it felt like I was in a Tolstoy novel (that bugger really liked to torture his characters, just ask Maslova from The Resurrection). The "don't give two fucks about the world" wizard had finally broken down. Finally, my name made sense.

It's amazing, what sadness and anger can do to you. In my case, they caged me in my room for nearly a month till February. I started smoking, something I'd always abhorred. I smoked not because I liked it. I smoked because I hated it, it left a bad taste in my mouth, and made my head spin. But those feelings were still better than what I had in the back of my mind. Those feelings masked my pain from myself, and I could slowly move back into the functioning world. It took me about a month to develop the strength to go out and face the world. When I did, it all felt so worthless. What's the point of anything when deep down inside you know that you'll never again have the only thing that made you happier than you ever were?

That's a dangerous line of thought, though, because it breeds infatuation. You hope and you pray and you wish and you cry, believing, with all the stupid childish belief that you have left, that maybe one day you'll get a message, a call, an email or a postcard from her saying it was all a mistake, let's watch TV? I did briefly walk on the road leading to this path, but I was saved by a very unexpected savior: poker.

I started playing poker with a bunch of friends, and I liked it. I was good at it. Slowly, I began to cherish the game, playing almost every night with my friends. I came to realize, eventually, that initially it was the poker that took my mind off of the crazy stuff that I was moping about. But as I continued playing, it was the group of friends who really lifted the burden off me. They had absolutely no idea what had happened to me, so there was neither pity nor judgement involved in their relationship with me. We just got together and had a ball, that's what we did. The stories we shared, the jokes we cracked, the gossip we exchanged, all of it had a therapeutic effect on me. I was still alone, but I no longer felt lonely.

So thanks to my poker buddies, the Wistful Wizard kind-of, sort-of got back his mojo. It was March, and I was smiling again, sometimes. The sad songs in my playlist were getting fewer by the day. There were some days when I couldn't help the pain getting back in my mind, but now I knew that it wasn't the end of the world. I knew that the worst was over, and it was only a matter of time. The main question was, how much time would it take?

April passed, and so did May, and thanks to the huge volume of work in the internship, my mind was pretty much occupied. Having got an offer from the firm after the internship was cherry on the cake, and I was pretty psyched. Second year at B-School, baby! Too much free time, they'd warned. It was worth a warning, I must say. For when the dust settles and you no longer have stuff to keep you busy, guess where your mind goes? That's right, all that shit came hurtling back into memory, and I was taken down a notch or two. Somehow, the girl and I came back to talking terms, but it isn't the same. It's never the same, is it?

I cherished my friendship with her way too much for it to break down because of something we built on top of it, and that is the saddest part. I no longer expect either her or me to do something to get back together, because if there's something I've learnt through this ordeal, it's that you shouldn't expect anything. I think that's also what Krishna said to Arjuna in the Gita, but that discussion is for another day. 

I am okay-ish now. I've always been lucky to have great friends, and that helps a lot. To be really honest, there's one thing I really want right now, and that is getting back to being friends with that girl, before things went awry. But as Mick Jagger came to learn, you can't always get what you want. 

Here's hoping we all get what we need.

Happy Independence Day (?)

I've decided I won't apologize for irregular posts any more. This is a part of who I am as a person (read: lazy) and I have accepted it as an inalienable piece of my character. Also, didn't JRR Tolkien have this to say of wizards, "A wizard is never late, nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to"? Any way, it's not like my posts come 5 months apart.

Oops!

To be fair, things have been hot at my end since April. I got into the Institute for Intense Moneymaking, Academically. It's supposed to be a Well-known Institute of Management In Western India. I suppose this begs two questions (of course it doesn't. It's a sentence. Sentences lack the sentience required to question my thinking. But let us actively ignore this diversion since not all of us are as mentally challenged as the author here). 

Rephrasing: I suppose this decision of joining moneymaking classes is likely to generate a general sense of curiosity among the readership (all 3 of you), manifesting itself in two very likely questions: "Why did you join the Institute for Intense Moneymaking, that too right after college?" and "Why did you join the one in the West?". I'm happy to answer both of them for you. 

I joined IIM because I did not want to leave college. Simultaneously, I wanted to get a feel for the corporate world that awaits me out of campus. I thought that this extension to my academic career might actually be good because I could utilize whatever academic zeal I have left inside of me to power through these two years. I shudder to think about how life here would have been once I had broken contact with studies. To answer the second question, I joined WIMWI because everyone told me it has the best "brand". Now if I really have to be branded, it makes sense going to where they do it the best.

After that shameless segue, let us get back to business. Today is the Independence Day for India. For the first time in my life, I did not feel anything special around me. For the first time in my life, I had only one person wishing me a Happy Independence Day. For the first time in my life, I see no one talking about this day. For the first time in my life, it seems, the thrill is gone (apologies to BB King).

I remember how big of a deal the 15th of August was when I was a child, with the tricolor waving over every house and vehicle in the neighbourhood, everyone around me smiling for some reason. Plus, my dad would be home for the day. Oh yes! It was a holiday for everyone I knew! Some years, I'd go to school for the Independence Day function and we'd have a great time with teachers and friends. There was a general sense of unity, a sense of community, and an unparalleled sense of hope. Hope that we could follow our dreams. Hope that society would get even better as time passes. Hope for the great things to come in life.

The general excitement for the Day continued through my undergraduate years, although there was a certain attenuation in the enthusiasm. We would gather in the hall quad and attend the flag hoisting ceremony, followed by a "special" breakfast in the mess. Things were pretty good even back then. This year, though, the absence of the said enthusiasm is striking. I didn't attend the flag-hoisting. Woke up at noon. There was no discussion about the date till I got a text at 8:18pm wishing me a Happy Independence Day.

The phrase set about a train of thought in my head which made me dig up this blog. I thought, what if the Independence Day was, indeed, never "Happy" to begin with? What if that neighbour setting up a flag on his roof was worried about paying back his debts? What if dad was thinking about how to solve the major breakdown in the plant waiting for him at work the next day? What if Nehru was thinking about Gandhiji's fast in Calcutta while speaking of trysts with destiny?

Could it be that my fondness for the Day came from a miscalculated sense of happiness due to nostalgia? That didn't seem right. Amid the grind and misery of adulthood, somehow that thought made me feel worse than usual. So, like any level headed individual, I refused to accept the most obvious answer and began to draw up another explanation for the lack of Independence-Dayness pervading my life.

I began by associating the great enthusiasm during childhood with the naivety of that age. Everything is lovely when all of your life is sorted out by others. Adulthood seems to have a knack of reducing per capita happiness, but that is true for everything in life, not just particular days (It isn't that bad, anyway, or we wouldn't have billions of adults on the planet). Thinking about it, the celebrations during college were decent as well, and worked well enough to stir us to singular bouts of patriotism and fiery debates over the course that this country is taking into the realm of future, if only for a single day.

What seems to have changed this year is the people that surround me. There is bound to be excessive entropy due to all of this shuffling that took place after the final year of college. I have a new crowd around, and the old friends of mine are also fighting hard to hit the ground running wherever they are. It makes sense that people will focus on their lives first, and the Day later. At least, this is what my theory suggested.

It was at this moment that I realized that while I was trying to make sense of this half baked, contrived line of thought, I was wasting my time and it had been long since I'd ingested food. So I came to my senses and recollected my thoughts. There are still a few people who took out time to wish me a Happy Independence Day. Okay, it was just the one person. But what matters is that she did message me, and when I realized this, it was enough for me to stop worrying unnecessarily.

I said to myself, it is a happy day. It is a time to celebrate. So what if there's considerably less excitement for it around you? Stop cribbing and be a one-man independence machine.

So here I am, after writing this long (and most probably incoherent) piece of gyaan for you. Be happy that you live in a nation which has the cheapest telecom services. So don't forget to wish your friends a Happy Independence Day the next year.

Some of them might appreciate it more than you'd think.

Solitary Reader

I have been gone for way too long, and I'm sorry for that. There have been too many things which I had to do, but now that I'm finished with them, I'll try and be regular.

So I'm almost completely jobless right now. I have no obligations to fulfill, no tests to pass in the near future, and no one to play computer games with. This has provided me with more time that I am used to, and frankly, I don't know what to do with it. This is why I have decided to set out on a life-improvement regime for a month. It comprises reading one book a week, gaining intermediate level knowledge in at least three different subjects (finance, behavioural science and the Indian constitution), and learning to be happy alone.

Oh yes, the last point is completely serious, and I can explain its placement in the regime. It does not mean I will avoid human company for a month. That would be ridiculous. It only means that I will try to wean off of the codependency that has been a part of my life until now. I use the term very loosely, and apologize to all psych majors reading this.

Say, I represent an average human. I have been used to living as part of a community, a group, a gang, or as roommates, and all this time I have been really fond of people's company, and being part of their lives. Which is good. Until I feel bad when a friend doesn't invite me to play, or when a group of friends orders pizza without asking me. You get the idea. Humans are possessive, and friendship does involve possessiveness to some extent. The thing is, it shouldn't exceed normal limits.

What is true about humans is that they form relations with other humans. What is true about a relation is that it requires two people for it to exist. What is true about the two people in a relation is that usually, they each have different interpretations of that relation. This is where trouble begins. When you consider a relation to stretch beyond what the other person does, slight friction occurs, but until the stretch is small, it does not affect anyone significantly.

When the two people in a relation differ significantly in the interpretation of their relation, it cannot be said to be in a stable condition. The instability can either subside naturally, with people mutually agreeing to most of each other's ideas of the relation, or it can grow larger, leading to a significant reduction in the extent of the relation for both parties. For example, consider two people, Radha and Kiran. Kiran considers Radha her best friend, and Radha considers her a good friend. What this means is that Kiran has higher expectations from Radha than what Radha would imagine. This is a wedge which can drive these friends apart, because Kiran will be disappointed at not getting enough of Radha's time, which in turn would cause Radha to be upset at Kiran's unreasonable demands. What should they do?

In my opinion, Kiran needs to realize that not everyone wants to be as close to her all time as she would like. And this is why she needs to learn to be alone and happy. Keeping off Radha's back will allow her to save her friendship, and reduce her dependence on a single person's company. I know it sounds weird this way, but do think about it. You will lose everyone you love, at some point in your life. How will you cope with that loss if you can't stay away from them for more than four hours?

I'm in no way saying avoid your friends. This is not a strict no-carbs diet. I'm only telling you to think twice before you indulge in your craving for ice-cream. Too much of a good thing is bad, and it is true about friendships as well. Depending on someone else's company to feel good stops one from exploring one's true potential. This is what happens when a person is homesick. They don't achieve what they could if they could manage to be alone and happy.

Try this. Go be in a room for 2 hours straight. Don't do any work, just think. Think about what you are doing in life. What are your goals? Whom do you care about most among those you know. What do you want to do later that day? Do you have some things you want to improve about yourself? Do you feel you are happy? Chances are, there would be a lot of things on your mind by the time you reach this question. Don't worry. It's all fine. And it goes to show that you can have perfectly engaging conversations with yourself. You can have great times with your friends. You can have great times alone too.

It goes without saying, I love my family; cherish all my moments with them. I have a few other people close to my heart, and I am thankful to God for them. And for the sake of these relations, as well as for personal good, I will learn to be alone and happy. Firstly, it will allow me to maintain better friendships. Secondly, if it so happens that a day comes when there's no one with me, I'll have the comfort of knowing that I stand by me, the person I know best, and can trust the most.

I'll be there, still smiling, still reading, still singing by myself. The solitary reader.

A Single Guy's Rant on Valentine's Day

It's that time of the year again. Starry-eyed idiots looking at each other's faces until their eyes start to water. They're a pandemic; you find them everywhere you look. Also visible are the ones who are away from each other, spending hours after midnight exchanging sweet nothings over phone calls to their significant others (henceforth SOs), intrinsically frustrated over the fact that all they are holding in their hands are phones. People all around on campus are trying to have a ball.

Meanwhile, there are people like me, who are nowhere near this Love-day ka ball. I am a little depressed over the fact that there's no one currently who would interfere in my life and make me do stuff I don't want to (get a haircut or go out in the cold for a date or to talk over phone). Then I read this sentence again and am thankful for this absence. Valentine's Day disgusts me.

It's awful, this Valentine's Day culture, and on many levels. Take for example the poor guy who (eat your hearts out, feminists being a chauvinist) still bears the monetary brunt of the day. You can't be expected to go to just ANY restaurant on a VDay date; it needs to be special, classy as hell. Which translates into expensive in real-life. Be ready to splurge your hard earned income over a measly meal (and some awkward making out at best). God knows you could have spent the Rs. 3k over getting an original copy of FIFA 15, ridding yourself of the suicide-inducing bugs in the pirated version.

Or, why not talk about the idiot who spends hours on his phone, pleasing his SO. God knows what that accomplishes. According to my own experience, all it leads to is eventual frustration: "...why are we still on the call, we're talking about taxes now! The phone's heating up, I think it's gonna blow in my ear. Seriously, I can hear birds waking up...". Oh, and it costs money to talk for hours. Big money.

The only winners in this Love Day ka Ball are the Love Day Cabal, the group of companies which thrive on the excessive hormones surging in young adults and teenagers on this day. Everyone wants to leave an impression on their SOs on this day, and unlike Chris Brown, most people equate that with material gifts. Special gifts; translating, again, into expensive gifts. Greeting cards, perfumes, jewelry, handbags, watches, home-furnishings, and so many more it'll drive you crazy if you have set out to make a decision.

Why am I so bitter you ask? Well, I consider myself a rational person, a realist, and I see through the sham that is VDay. The aforementioned arguments should be sufficient to let you know why I have the view of Valentine's Day that I have. You want to know more? Well, then let me elaborate further.

It's not like one can't enjoy Love Day without a particular romantic interest in one's life. All you need are some good friends. The only prerequisite is that those friends should be as lucky as you are in the dating game. Sadly, this is not the case with me this year. For the first time in my college life, I am surrounded by people, all of whom have SOs to keep them busy today. Hell, some of them even have multiple candidates for being their "Valentine". I hate it.

I hate all of this syrupy fun people seem to be having right now. Nothing's happening in my messenger, no posts on my wall, no one to call me this time of the night. Although this is no different than any other day of the year for me, but on Valentine's Day, the Love Day cabal rubs it in. Forget the day, the cabal has extended the sham to a whole week. I am forced to go through a whole week, being constantly bombarded by innuendo directed at people in relationships. There are special offers for couples everywhere: in restaurants, in cafes, in malls, even on e-commerce websites. The other day, I wanted to buy a pair of slippers for me, and during that simple transaction, I was thrice reminded to "get a trimmer for the conscious you, this Valentine". Really Flipkart?

I would like to end this rant with an offer. Any girl who has similar opinions on Valentine's Day, I invite you to make a satirical demonstration of the farce that is love-day. We can spend the whole day together, hand-in-hand, mocking the futility of celebrating one particular day for love, ending the day with a date in a fancy restaurant, after which we could totally make out, revealing the irony inherent in the day. Do let me know in the comments if you are up for it.

The Phenomenon

Cristiano Ronaldo won the FIFA Ballon d'Or 2014 yesterday. The last 7 years have seen the top honors for a footballer being shared by Lionel Messi (4) and Cristiano Ronaldo (3). Both of them are at the peak of their footballing prowess, and their performances are a cut above the rest of the footballers. Ronaldo had an especially brilliant season last year, leading Real Madrid to their 10th European Cup. In most ways, Ronaldo was the best among all footballers last year. Well, outfield footballers, that is.

Goalkeepers are the most harshly treated of all footballers. Mostly so because a mistake by them is registered permanently against their team as a goal. Also, their contribution is the least noted due to the small amount of time they spend with the ball. That is why, when a goalkeeper rises above all of that to be noticed foremost of all of his teammates, I believe he must have done something special. This is why I believe that Neuer was the best candidate for the Ballon d'Or. I feel that he was the biggest reason the Germans won the World Cup last year. With his insane sweeping skills, he tackled players, headed, punched and caught the ball, and did almost anything to deny the ball to the opposition near his penalty area. And how can we forget his shot-stopping? Some of the point-blank shots at the German stopper forced him to come up with out of the world saves, and not once did he disappoint. There was scarce a better goalkeeping performance in a World Cup. I consider it unfortunate that Neuer was denied the Ballon d'Or, but looking at the winner, I feel that it was not that big a let down.

This is why I think one mustn't focus too much on awards and statistics. They sound good during an introduction, but don't always reveal the true picture. Thomas Muller won the Best Young Player award in 2010, but does that make Mesut Ozil any less of a player? The elusive playmaker went on to be the best midfielder for Real Madrid for 3 seasons, raking in more assists than any other player in Europe. So who won the Ballon d'Or is not a very important point of discussion for me.

By the way, I'll have to admit, the best moment for me during the award ceremony was when I saw who had arrived to hand out the award. It was indeed fitting, that the best player in the world be awarded by the once and future King of Highbury, Thierry Henry. I was lost for a while in the memories of my old football favorites, and the times when Arsenal used to dominate the Premier League, with Begkamp and Henry menacing many a defensive line. Good times!

This post isn't about Henry, though. Neither is it about awards. It's about Ronaldo. Ronaldo, who has won the best player of the world award thrice. Ronaldo, famous for his pace, strength, dribbling, finishing, creativity and a predator's eye for goal. Ronaldo, surely counted as one of the greatest forwards of all time.

Also, Ronaldo, two-time World Cup winner and one-time runner-up.

If you aren't confused by the previous line, high-fives to you. I'm talking about Ronaldo Luis Nazario de Lima, the wonder boy from Rio, who took the footballing world by storm with his arrival in the 90s, winning consecutive World Player of the Year awards (emulated by Ronaldo 2.0) and powering Brazil to the 1998 World Cup finals, before which he suffered from an unfortunate convulsive fit. Brazil lost the final; Zidane took home glory, and Ronaldo was left with the bitterness of defeat, albeit with a Golden Ball. But the story doesn't end there. In fact, it intertwines with another (not so) interesting story 4 years later.

This story began in May, 2002. A 9 year old was excited about his summer vacations, where he'd be free all day. Having attended a cricket camp in March, he had had enough cricket for a while. So instead of that, he decided to give football a try. Coincidentally, a football World Cup was taking place in Korea-Japan. Luckily, all the matches were to be telecasted in daytime in India, so he could easily watch football first and play it the rest of the day.

Unfortunately for him, he fell ill around the beginning of the vacation, and it was serious enough to keep him bedridden for most of the summers. All he had for entertainment now was a World Cup of a sport he didn't care much for. What he didn't know was that this World Cup would stay with him throughout his life, and would mark the beginning of a love for football which, amazingly, would surpass that for cricket one day. What he also didn't know about, was Il Fenomeno.

Like everyone, his favorite team at the outset was Brazil. Football, as played by the Brazilians, was a feast for the eyes. With their fluent passing, flamboyant dribbling, fine shooting, and fun ways, they won over the kid's heart. There was one player, though, in the green and yellow who stood out for him. This guy had the most ridiculous hair, a semi-circular patch on a shining head, and with his buck-teeth, he looked pretty dorky. But when he was on the field, those were the last things that kid noticed about him. He was quick as lightning with his running, and smooth as silk with his skills. Defences seemed to tremble and fall in his coming. He formed the image of a complete striker for the little boy.

Il Fenomeno helped Brazil to the finals with 8 goals, scoring in all but one matches. The great German goalkeeper and captain Oliver Kahn (another of the kid's favorites in the World Cup) had let in only a single goal before the finals. It promised to be a great contest between the striker and the keeper who had only missed once in the tournament, both of them followed closely by the kid. The contest lived up to its hype. Kahn stopped 5 attempts on goal, but it was not enough as Il Fenomeno netted in two fine goals to take home the World Cup. Kahn, sadly (angrily?), had to be content with the Golden Ball (seems a common trend).

The little kid had found another sport he could love, just as he loved cricket. Over the years, he grew up, watched more of football, became an Arsenal fan, and had many other favorites (Thierry Henry being at the top of that list). That kid is now a 21 year old adult, the author of this blog, looking forward to what could possibly be his last summer vacation. With whatever little rationality and football knowledge he has, in his heart he knows that even though pretenders may claim the title, there will only ever be one Ronaldo. The phenomenon, the greatest ever, the smiling striker who won the first world cup for the little boy.

Trials and Errors

Writing is tougher than I thought! The past two days have seen me struggling to write a single paragraph that I could publish. Now I know what struggling with writer's block feels like. I looked it up on Wikipedia, and found some interesting things. There was this idea that the writer's previous work might be a source for the block in writing. This is because the pressure of living up to one's expectations as well as of maintaining the bar set by one's previous work might make it difficult to be confident about making any further writing public.

The problem is, seeing the unparalleled creativity and wit mediocrity of my previous posts and realizing that I was afraid I might not be able to recreate that, made me feel like an idiot. So I goaded myself to go on and write something today, anything at all. I started out by writing about random things. Food - deleted. Education - deleted. Indian Politics - deleted. With each deletion I was feeling worse about myself, so I got up and went off to find something to eat. After I came back, I started writing about writer's block. Quite amazingly, this meta-writing caused the block to end! My flow of thought is back on, and I can write again. I don't know, maybe meta-writing is a magical cure for the block?

Anyway, back to business now. I thought a little, and realized that this post exists only because of trial and error. After trying out many different variations and ideas, I finally zeroed in on what I really wanted to write about. Now, the method of trial and error is the most basic way to solve problems. You continue to make random attempts until you find success or until you give up (and go get something to eat). 

Although on surface it appears that trial and error is a rudimentary way of handling any problem, once I started scratching the surface, I realized that it is the starting point in the journey for knowledge. I felt that the beginning of any sort of experiential learning is usually through trial and error. For example, we learn through trial and error that it is doesn't feel nice to touch very hot objects. On the other hand, it feels nice to touch soft-looking objects. So we go on touching such objects until we touch something which causes an allergic reaction. Then we learn not to touch all soft objects. Maybe we can consider the process of evolution to be a huge experiment based on trial and error? Variations occur at random in organisms; if they fail to enhance survivability, the organisms, along with that variation, perish. If they succeed, they prosper.

The above thought process was quite exciting, and it drove me to search a little about trial and error on the internet, where I found out about William Ross Ashby, a pioneer in the field of cybernetics. In his book, Design for a Brain, he hypothesised that trial and error is fundamental to the process of adaptation to our surroundings. Taking any unknown system (a black box), when the range of its inputs is given, the only way in which we can find out its nature is by acting upon it, using our complete inventory of actions. Scientifically, this means that input-values must be given, output-values observed, and the relationships in the paired values noticed. In the above case this means that we must do various things to the environment and must later act in accordance with how these actions affected the essential variables (our feelings or our health).

Interestingly, isn't the concept of dating a form of a trial and error experiment? We are helped by some intuition from what is encoded in our DNA, and form some criteria about whom we find attractive at first sight. Based on this, we decide to try and ask people out on dates to find out whether we are compatible with them, and if we would like to spend our lives with them. We keep on doing this until we find "the one". Well, by we I meant most of the world. India is an exception (as far as I know, that is).

What generally happens in India is that very few people talk about relationships openly. Having a boyfriend or a girlfriend is frowned upon (at the very least) by "society". The biggest sufferers are those in high school who, in spite of having recently discovered an interest in the opposite sex, have to stay away from this "girlfriend-boyfriend" ka chakkar. Because of this, some of the students avoid the other gender, and have very limited interaction with them, going on to become adults who are extremely awkward when it comes to either professional or romantic relations. 

Not surprisingly, the dating scene is almost non-existent in India. Try asking out a random girl - no, even an acquaintance, for some coffee or dinner. Possible outcomes would include, other than the girl agreeing or politely refusing: public ridicule, physical assault, a police complaint, or an evil look of contempt. It is clear then, why, instead of the usual system of trial and error, we simply make errors.

At school/college, there are those (un)fortunate few, who have a skewed understanding of how love works through bollywood films. Usually, in these cases, the guy makes the first move. Attraction and infatuation are automatically escalated to the position of love, and the slippery slope starts. You've been in the same class as her, you've known her for a few years, but now you feel differently towards her. Congratulations! Based on the movies, you are now in "love". So what do you do now? Why, it's simple. You need to make her realize you love her. That is why you pursue her all around. Keep looking at her in the classroom until her friends need to surround her to keep her out of your gaze. Why would she feel creeped out at all? Doesn't the hero pester the heroine until she finally realizes how much he "loves" her?

What might actually happen next is that she actually gets fed up and complains about you and you get the crap beaten out of you (if you're lucky, by your parents, if unlucky, by her parents and any other onlookers). If this does not happen to you, and by some magical chance the girl likes you back, you "propose" your love to her. She accepts the proposal. Congratulations! You both are in love (by Indian adolescent/young adult standards, that is). In a few months, you will realize that the infatuation is over, and will realize you don't know the other person at all. Consistent bickering will take over your life, and you will break up. All of this bitterness could have been avoided had you taken the trouble to get to know each other better before going all Shahrukh-Kajol on each other.

Why am I writing this? Well, I know the points mentioned above might not apply to all of you, but I have seen such things happen to my friends. The Shahrukh syndrome partially affected a lot of them for a while too. Thankfully, most of them got over it. The trial was long for some, but they did find their errors. If someone reading this is going through the same stuff, I'd be more than happy if he/she can benefit a little from some of it.

As for me, I have crushes on a few girls. Some are smart, some are pretty, some are funny. But I don't go ahead and "propose" my love to them, because I am not an idiot (at least, not in this regard). Although, there is a girl I have known for some time, whom I'm really attracted to. She's smart, she's pretty, she's funny, and I'd really like to know her better. I think I will ask her out on a date sometime in the coming months. I'm ready for a trial now, hoping there won't be an error to report!

The Prodigal Son

Surprisingly, I'm back for a new post. Writing a blog feels good! I think now there's a fair chance I'll be regular to this. As mentioned in my first post, I am in a process of finding out why I really started writing. After some pondering, I found the immediate reason for it.

This is my final semester in college, finishing which I'll either start working, or go for higher studies. Either way, there will be a huge change in my life after college. This semester, therefore, is a watershed in my life. But we will come to this watershed in a while.

Let us begin with my last watershed, which was around 3.5 years ago, when I graduated from school and joined IIT Kanpur. I must say, these years have been magical (pardon the cliche). What I got from IIT Kanpur were many lessons of life (bloody good ones at that), and tremendous self-growth. For that, and for providing tons of potential material for this blog, I can't thank it enough.

Speaking of my stay at IITK, I have grown and discovered myself over here, and have excelled at a sizable amount of the stuff that goes on here. But one can make an argument that I could not somehow live up to what was expected of me as a student. It would be a pretty strong argument too, given my academic history, which can be said to be excellent, in the least. Here, I don't have the same brilliant grades, and I don't really like my major. I certainly don't have any luck with the girls here. If I had to grade my stay at IITK on these parameters alone, I would give myself a C. Fairly average. But I was never happy with being average! No one should be.

It felt strange, then, that I was comfortable being average in all of these terms. Surely, something went astray after the watershed? When you have been an extremely competitive, ambitious person all of your life, and you suddenly find yourself comfortable in mediocrity in a span of 3 years, it initiates a cycle of self-doubt, self-chastisement, false-rationalization and increased comfort in your current state, which lasts about as long as your next exam results. Back to self-doubt then.

I needed to get out of this vicious cycle. There needed to be concrete changes in my lifestyle for it to happen, but the most important thing required for it was something else.

I remember a story from the Ramayan, when the Vanara Sena had reached the southern coast, and they needed to reach Lanka. No one knew what to do, as they didn't have any means to cross the mighty ocean. Everyone was sad; having come so close, they remained so far. The saddest of them all was Hanuman, who felt powerless in front of the giant sea.
It was then that the great Jambavan decided to do something about the situation. He reminded Hanuman of the endless powers that lay hidden in him, how he had once flown to the Sun itself and tried eating it. He reminded him of his true self and his destiny; and lo! Hanuman got his powers back, flying across the ocean to get to the golden city of Lanka.

My parents always played that role for me, but what I needed was a Jambavan at IITK. Thankfully, I found him in my friends here at IITK, who inspired me to break the cycle. They reminded me of what I truly could do. Everyday they would tell me that I could do anything I set my mind to. They reminded me of my own ability when I doubted it. I could never say it to their faces, but I am thankful for every word of inspiration they said to me, and am deeply indebted.

So, we come back to the imminent watershed. A new life, which I'll be starting with an experience of 4 years at IITK, and a bucketload of lessons from the mistakes I made here. Most importantly, with a little help from my friends, I will be beginning this new life with revived competitiveness, and a zeal to excel. No more mediocrity for me. Change is about to happen, and this is what is the immediate reason for this blog.

As for the title of this post, some of you may have heard of the biblical parable of the Prodigal Son. When the prodigal son, having gone astray, returned, his father welcomed him with open arms. Well, I am an optimist, and I see life coming forth with open arms for me.

The prodigy turned prodigal son is coming back. Watch out, world!